


Eric Coulter, you're a bastard

by kyloswarstars



Category: Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: AU, Breakup, Divergent, Drama, Eric Coulter - Freeform, F/M, Love, Professor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22575625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyloswarstars/pseuds/kyloswarstars
Summary: How do you say sorry when you have fucked up basically everything? Eric isn't sure. He doesn't know if he'll be able to ever earn your forgiveness. On the other hand: why should you forgive him? He had made the mistake of his life.A story about Professor Eric Coulter, Harold the chimpanzee, midnight coffees and fries in the auditorium. You and Eric, Ms. Giraffe and Mr. FBI, trying to conquer life together until Eric did what he thought would be the best for you.5-Part Divergent AU Mini-Series
Relationships: Eric (Divergent) & Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Female Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/You
Kudos: 8





	1. the start of the end?

_Eric Coulter, you’re a bastard_

Your words burned into his retina. Eric still saw them when he closed his eyes. The phone screen was way too bright for his dark bedroom.

He didn’t know what to respond. He was a bastard. And all the other words you had described him with. His thumb hovered above the ‚S‘ to start off with a ‚sorry‘. When he saw the three dots, that implied you were typing, he stopped and didn’t say sorry.

_Fucking stay away from me_

He had fucked up. Eric shut his eyes but still saw your words. In the past there had been a lot of fighting and a lot of curse words because that was just how your relationship had worked – even though a relationship therapist may would have said that it wasn’t the healthiest way to interact with each other.

This was different though. This was the pain speaking he had caused. The burning brightness in his eyes got too much. He teared up although he tried so hard not too. Eric almost threw the phone across the room so he didn’t have to see your bright words anymore but then saw the three dots again.

_And this time I mean forEVER_

**////////// 2 years ago //////////**

„And here is the house where Mrs. Smith killed Mr. Smith because he had mowed the lawn the wrong direction.“

It’s been only the second night in the new city and Eric already went to a frat party. He shouldn’t be in this car. In his position he shouldn’t become friends with students. He should befriend professors. He should spend his free time at fancy dinner parties, in a suit – or at least a jacket – and a tie. An appletini in one hand and a cigar or some shit in the other. He didn’t really know how those dinner parties really were. Eric had never accepted a single invitation.

It was hard for him to keep a straight face while teaching college students that were only a few years younger than him. His career had started early due to his father who had ‚supported him all the time and just wanted the best for his son‘. Sometimes Eric was still angry that his father had pushed him into this path so early. But he had learned to accept it. After all, teaching was something he enjoyed. He never thought he would, but he did. And he really liked to be that approachable, cool dude of a professor his students weren’t afraid to talk to. 

He had been so good with declining invitations – he shouldn’t have taken the one to this frat party of his new students. It had led him to sitting in the car of a pizza boy, who’s name was Rafael. He had delivered about twenty pizzas earlier. It turned out Rafael had been the cousin of Carlo, one of Eric’s students, who had the really great idea to drive to that 24 hours opened pet store and cuddle with rabbits. On the way there they gave Eric a sightseeing tour with the weirdest facts about Chicago.

They were driving slowly through a quiet residential neighborhood that didn’t belong to the campus. The car was slow enough that, when a figure appeared right in front of it, it came to an instant stop.

An extremely upset face was illuminated by the headlights. Suddenly you banged your fist on the hood. And a second time with both of your hands formed to fists. 

„Get out there!“ Your voice was clear and sharp. The yelling in this quiet street would probably get the attention of some already sleeping parents.

„Oh damn.“ Rafael in the driver seat wiped his forehead.

„Rafael I said get out!“ You seemed to know exactly who had nearly run you over.

Rafael unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door, slowly got out but didn’t go to you. He waited right behind his door. „Get in the car and let us talk later. Not here.“

„Do you think I care about who’s going to hear us?“ You seemed a bit insane. But maybe you were just furious because you nearly got killed. Maybe the beer had fogged Eric’s head. Under normal circumstances he would’ve never gotten between a woman as furious as you and a guy as intimidated as him. At least not before someone threw punches. But in his slightly drunk state he thought it was a good idea to get out of the car as well and be a mediator.

Before he was even able to say something, your fierce glance switched to him. „What are you looking at me?“

Eric’s hands got up like you pointed a gun at him. „I’m not looking at all.“

„Of course you are!“ You blinked at the headlights and studied him like a hunter it’s prey. Yes, he was looking at you. Your livid facial features amazed Eric’s cloudy mind. „Who are you even?“ You didn’t care about his answer though and walked over to Rafael.

„I’ve been searching for you for about an hour. Your shift ended at 9 and you said you’d be there to help me!“

Rafael’s head hung low. Getting scolded by a furious woman like you was probably not a nice thing to experience. „I forgot. Sorry.“

„Yeah, clearly you forgot.“ You opened the door behind Rafael’s and ordered the guys on the backseats to make room – they instantly obeyed. Eric felt like they all knew you too well to disobey your order. „Can you drive now? I have to get back our chimpanzee.“

Eric didn’t stay longer than ten minutes in that car. After Rafael almost run you – his twin sister – over, you had given four more orders.

1: „Rafael, turn on the heating, I’m freezing from walking over an hour through the cold to search your ass“  
2: „Ew Carlo, take your hands off of me. I’m your cousin“  
3: „Since you’re all here, you’re going to help me get Harold back from those fanatics who think they can care better for him“

Eric guessed that ‚Harold‘ must be the chimpanzee you had talked about getting back.

4: „And please throw this weirdo, who keeps staring at me, out of the car“

He should be glad he got thrown out before he got pulled into something that ended in breaking the law. Since this was only his second night in Chicago he didn’t have a clue where he was. It was hard to find a taxi so he ordered an Uber which was there to get him in under five minutes.

Back in his apartment, which was still incredibly chaotic because unpacking wasn’t one of his strengths, he just tried to forget one of the weirdest evenings of his life by falling asleep on his mattress.

/////

When his alarm woke him up the next morning, he was still not used to his mattress laying on the floor. Eric didn’t know where his bed frame was and didn’t feel the urge to search for it. Not yet. Unpacking was a process. It could take weeks. And rushing himself was a thing he consequently protested because it had a negative impact on his wellbeing. _In simple words: He was lazy._

And because of that, the coffee machine was right beside the mattress. Still half laying, he pressed the button to get a fresh coffee. Thirty seconds later he grabbed the cup and sat up, resting his back on the cold wall behind him.

Today was his second day teaching at the new college. He wasn’t ready. Not after ending the first day with this crazy car ride.

And as if the universe had known his thoughts, he froze in his movements when he entered the auditorium and studied the college students. _You_ were sitting there. In the auditorium. In his auditorium. You were… his student.

**////////// current day //////////** ****

The phone screen made a cracking sound when it came in contact with the floor.

 _Fuck._ He couldn’t leave your texts unanswered.

Eric got out of the bed, hurried to get dressed, ran to get his keys and then left the apartment. Maybe he woke up the whole street with the rapid start of his bike and rushing down the street, but he couldn’t care less.

He always hated that you were living so far out of the city. You were still living with your family – for obvious reasons and he couldn’t blame you. Tonight though, he really wished you would’ve agreed to move in with him. But you had turned that down like so many other ideas he had offered to build a future together.

There were no lights in the windows of your house. He couldn’t just creep around the house and hope for an opened window. Eric pulled out his phone with the cracked screen and opened the conversation. It was horrible to see your words screaming at him like that.

„I told you to leave me alone. Once and for all.“ Honestly, he didn’t think you would even answer the call, but you did, whispering like you weren’t mad at all. That was a bad sign. „Was this your bike’s engine being cut off?“

How should he start talking? What should he say? Which one of the thousand sorry’s should he offer first? How should he start to explain why he did what he did?

„Eric, what are you doing in our front yard?“

He could see the shape of a person in the window of your father’s room. You were staring at him. Your fast breathing echoed in his ear. There was no way you would forgive him. The realization that your relationship was unrepairable broken nearly drove him insane. How should he breath and eat and sleep and just _be_ when you weren’t part of his life anymore?

„Scolding myself for telling them it was you who had kidnapped Harold after they finally stopped searching for him.“

Falling for you had been the easiest thing Eric had ever done. Before he knew you he thought body functions, that happened automatically, were the easiest things to do because you didn’t have a choice – you just breathed. It was the same with you, though. He just fell for you. And that, he did every single day for two years now. He didn’t know if he could ever stop.

You didn’t answer but he could still hear you breathing into the phone. He could still see you standing there at the window. Had you been watching over your father again while he was sleeping? Had you been reading him Pippi Longstocking again like he had done it when you were little – even though he probably didn’t hear you? Why did you not just hang up? Why did you wait?

„Why?“ Your stifled question broke his heart. He tried not to picture your face right now – this situation was already unbearable.

„Because I love you.“


	2. falling

**////////// 2 years ago //////////**

You were sitting there, doodling on the table since no paper laid in front of you. For a second Eric totally stared at you, taking in some details of your face – mostly how your eyebrows nearly met with how concentrated you were. Only some students that came in the auditorium with loud laughter drew his attention away from you.

Eric shook his head and started to prepare for his lecture. 

This second day of teaching at the new college grew frustrating. He floundered a few times, lost track and stared into faces full of question marks. Only your face never went up from the table and your doodling. He wasn’t sure if you even paid attention to his class. What were you doing here when you didn’t follow the professors, his, words?

It seemed most of the students were glad when the class finally ended. Eric couldn’t help but find himself looking at you again. The other students around you left their seats but you still sat there doodling. Even when _every_ other student had left the auditorium.

Eric cleared his throat. No reaction.

„The class is over. I want to lock up the room.“

The pen stopped moving over the wood. Slowly your head turned in his direction. When your eyes found him they didn’t flinch. Did you remember him? Eric felt a bit uncomfortable when you studied him with your eyebrows drawn together again. „I need help.“

„You should ask another student about what we talked in this class if you’re not paying attention.“ It kinda bothered him you hadn’t paid attention. When he realized that it had bothered him because he _wanted_ your attention, he quickly gathered his things and stuffed them in his bag.

„I couldn’t get back my chimpanzee. Do you have a car?“

You totally irritated Eric. Last night you told him not to look at him and threw him out of the car before he could find out what it was about that chimpanzee.

Now… he couldn’t figure out what your intentions were.

„Okay I’m being a bit nicer: do you have a car _and_ time?“ You stood up from your seat and it didn’t even really surprise him that you hadn’t brought anything else than that pen you had drawn with on the table. You stuck it behind your ear like a cigarette. 

Still not getting an answer from him you tried it a third and last time. „Okay I was kinda rude last night so… sorry.” You _did_ remember. „So are you gonna help me?”

Eric shook his head. „I shouldn’t be interacting with students when it doesn’t involve college stuff.”

„Why did you hang out with Carlo and Rafael then?”

_Touché._

You were staring at him with a smirk growing on your lips. He couldn’t really understand why but he was fascinated by your guts. „I don’t have a car.” The smile on your lips slowly faded. 

„I have a motor bike, though.”

/////

The way you weren’t afraid at all to wrap your arms around Eric was impressive. It seemed like you didn’t know what personal boundaries were or simply ignored them. Just like the fact that Eric was your professor. A fact he ignored as well because he couldn’t help himself but helping with whatever he helped you with. He could not not find out what it was that made you so interesting.

Whenever you wanted him to change directions you either poked his right or left abdomen.

A lot of poking, and probably some bruises, later, he found himself facing the entrance to the Chicago Zoo. He had a bad feeling about this. Still, he parked the bike and helped you getting off.

„Are we here because of that chimpanzee?“

You nodded. „We have to figure out the best way to get Harold out.“

„You can’t just steel a chimpanzee out of a zoo.“

You pulled him along to the little booth a lady sold entrance tickets and gave her money for two. With the tickets you pulled him along again. You didn’t even take a look at the big map of the zoo and pulled Eric along as you knew where you wanted to go. This must’ve been not your first visit. 

„Listen.“ When you made sure Eric followed your fast pace without you pulling him along with your hand on his wrist, you let yourself fall back next to him and slowed down your steps a little. “Actually, you can’t really talk about theft if you’re planning on getting back a family member some stupid assholes took away from you.”

What was that supposed to mean? Eric wanted to ask but you _sssssshhhed_ him while pulling a basecap on your head and some dark sunglasses on your nose. A moment later you stopped at a small souvenir stand and came back with Chicago Zoo sunglasses for Eric. 

“I’m not wearing this.” Eric eyed the frame. It had two giraffes on the sides with their faces looking down on bridge of the nose. “And why are you playing Sherlock Holmes? What the hell is going on in the first place!” Why was Eric even here? How had you been able to pull him into this crazy stuff? He shouldn’t be here. Not since you sat in his lecture today. 

“I’m sorry. I always keep doing that.” You turned around, ready to go, but Eric didn’t let you. He stood in your way and blocked you with his huge body in this button-up shirt which should be forbidden on him.

“I didn’t say I’m not up for this. Hell, I shouldn’t be but I’m here. I just have to know why and what’s going on.”

It took a while until you found a heart and started to talk. „Did you ever experience someone becoming part of your family you weren’t related by blood with? You can’t really do anything about it, right? Because it’s just how it is. You love them and it doesn’t matter if you have the same blood, skin or origin. Family is family.“ All the time, while you were talking, you were looking around for something or someone. „My dad is a zoologist. I grew up in a rescue center for animals with injuries and little orphans. One day, when I was about ten, Harold came to us. His mother abandoned him and he was close to starving. He became part of our family. We tried to resettle him with the other chimpanzees here in the Chicago Zoo but that hadn’t worked out, so he stayed with us.“

„But he is here now.“

„Right.“ You pulled the cap even further into your face. „Can we-“

„Why is he here?“

You were walking a little circle, contemplating. If you didn’t tell him he was most likely to go. If you told him he would feel pity for you. You didn’t want anyones pity. Hell, it was hard enough to ask a stranger for help but you slowly grew desperate. The family being apart wasn’t good. You had to get Harold back. And maybe _he_ could save your dad out of his unconsciousness. It was the last thing you could think of.

„Dad had a stroke two years ago. Since then he’s laying in bed with his eyes open but unable to respond or move. They took Harold away because they thought I wasn’t able to take care of him with everything that’s going on.“ You were trying to seem nonchalant because you absolutely weren’t. You already dreaded going back home. You adored your dad, you loved him so much, but caring for him and seeing absolutely no progress after such a long time made you slowly unable to breath. „Is this enough of a reason to bail Harold out of here?“

“Yeah. But I’m still not gonna wear this.” He pointed at the giraffe sunglasses.

“Fine.” You pulled off your own sunglasses and brushed them on Eric’s nose. Shivers were sent down his spine when your warm fingertips touched his cheekbones. _What the hell._ For a moment you just looked at each other, not knowing what you were doing here, together. 

„Time to commit a crime.“

/////

The many times you had come to the zoo, when one of the nurses took care of your dad and you had some free time from college, you had never seen Harold in the chimpanzee enclosure. You didn’t expect to see him in there – the zookeepers probably had a hard time getting along with him. Harold could get quite sassy. 

„Have you been part of the drama club in high school?“ Eric and you had reached the chimpanzee enclosure and observed it. Well, Eric did. You were watching out for a zookeeper.

„No.“ 

After a bit a zookeeper came out from the back into your direction, caring a bucket. „Okay, then please be good with improvising.“ 

„What am I supposed to do?“ Eric seemed a little panicked. 

„Act like you really care for me.“

You didn’t leave Eric more time to prepare. If you had done your chance would’ve literally gone by. Without hesitation you ‚stumbled‘ back, right into the zookeeper and fell down to the ground, knocking him down with you. In the chaos of you falling into the man you quickly did what you had to do.

Thank God Eric had understood your orders. „Tracy, are you hurt, honey?“ He quickly reached out for you, when you rolled off the man. It was hard to keep a straight face with him calling you ‚Tracy‘.

You let Eric grab your hand and pull you up. Then the both of you helped the zookeeper on his feet again.

„I’m so sorry, Sir. I have problems with my circulatory, probably didn’t eat enough today. I’m really sorry-“

„It’s alright, Miss.“ He brushed off the dirt from his pants. „Make sure to get something to eat then.“ The zookeeper took his bucket and went off again.

You dragged Eric into the opposite direction with you. When you had the feeling no-one had caught the situation, you finally broke into laughter. „Honey? What’s wrong with you?“

„I tried to seem authentic.“

„And Tracy? Seriously?“ The laughter escaping your lips was probably the reaction to committing a crime. You had never done that before. Not on purpose at least.

„Well, I don’t know your name.“ Eric had to control himself really hard not to fall into the laughter with you.

You pushed the giraffe sunglasses farther back up your nose, while looking at him with a grin. _Damn, this grin is awesome._ „Y/N.“

Eric’s face lit up, hearing your name. This morning you had only been the woman in his lecture, doodling on the table. Now he had a name to this grin and he had to put all force into his eyes looking on the ground instead of to you. „I’m Eric.“

„Yeah, I know. I got the e-mail. Professor Eric Coulter… kinda fancy.“ You had to laugh again. The adrenaline had to subside first before you could stop breaking into laughter uncontrollably.

Instantly Eric felt guilty. He was a professor. Your professor. _Fuck._

Back out of the zoo, he felt less watched to ask the question, he was burning to ask. „You stole his keys, right?“

Walking beside him, grinning, you slowly pulled a fist out of your jacket pocket. When you opened the fist, some keys were dangling from it. „I so did.“ 

„Damn.“ Eric couldn’t hold it back. He just couldn’t. „That was kinda hot.“ 

/////

He didn’t see you for the whole week. Only until the next lecture you were sitting in his auditorium for.

The whole week he was freaking out about the fact that he had helped you, one of his students, with something illegal. It would’ve been a reason to freak out if it had been something legal too, though.

He had crossed borders a lot of times, hanging out with some of his students. But that had always been on a friendly basis. Most of the times only a few years divided him from the students, whereas it were decades from the other professors. What was he supposed to do? Waste his young years hanging around with old folks playing golf and talking about how to mow a lawn he didn’t even have? Yeah no. 

Eric had never felt attracted to one of his students before. Not until… _you._

And there you sat again. Doodling, not paying attention or taking notes. Just doodling. He was wondering what you were drawing. A chimpanzee?

When he closed the lecture you remained seated again. 

Eric had come to the conclusion he should probably not help you again if you asked. His head was convinced to do that. Something else said him he wouldn’t be able to turn you down, though.

A few students came down to his desk to ask some questions. When they had left, and you were still sitting, doodling, he walked over to you.

You did draw a chimpanzee.

„Are you hungry, Eric?“ You put the lid back on the pen when you were looking up at him and stuffed it in your jacket pocket.

/////

Eric hadn’t been able to say ‚No, I am not hungry‘. Instead he asked ‚Where do we wanna go?‘. He was a fool. So stupid. But your grin was way too contagious.

Some Indian veggie curry later, you were pulling out a piece of paper from your jacket and laid it down on the table. You had drawn a map of the zoo with some notes on the sides he couldn’t read. If you were going to write like this in a test, he wouldn’t be able to read a single word.

A heavily circled part caught his attention. „What’s that?“

„That’s where we’re gonna go inside to go get Harold.“ You pulled up your eyebrows. „Are you free tonight?“

„I have a lecture till eight.“

„That’s cool. It’ll only get dark by eight thirty.“

/////

When his lecture was done, the auditorium empty and Eric locked up, you were waiting outside in the hallway. He had to laugh. You were wearing the giraffe sunglasses. That reminded him that he still had yours from last week. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled them out and wanted to hand them over.

You only shook your head. „Keep them. It’s our uniform.“

Eric put his new glasses on and could hardly wait until you reached his motorbike. Your arms around his abdomen felt way too good.

This time you parked in a good distance to the zoo, but when you got off the bike a sudden realisation hit you. „We can’t do it tonight.“

„Why not?“ 

You laughed at the thought. „We can’t squeeze Harold in-between us on the bike.“

It should’ve dawned the two of you this afternoon in the Indian restaurant. „And what now?“

„Make the most of the night?“ Again, you pulled up your eyebrows and Eric couldn’t let his brain win. He gave in so easily.

Strolling around through Chicago at night, Eric turned out to be way different than your first impression of him. To be fair, you had been a little drunk when you ran in front of your brother’s car. And you had been in a mood for fighting, so everyone who had looked at you the wrong way had been automatically an idiot.

But the way he was talking now was almost like he talked in his lectures. More eased now, though. Only because you never took notes and always kept your eyes down on your drawings, didn’t mean you didn’t listen. You had listened every word Eric had said during his lessons – he was way more passionate about his work than any other professor you had. And that was really refreshing even if he was teaching about biology, the stuff you already knew and therefore didn’t take any notes.

He went into a coffee shop to get you something to drink. You were waiting outside, in the cold, watching him ordering and looking around a bit awkwardly while waiting for his order to be finished. Admittedly, he was cute. And hot, yes. And it was a shame you had drawn him into your rescue mission for Harold. The real sin, though, was feeling attracted to your fucking professor. You didn’t know what it was. It was something beyond his physical features. Something about his kindness, about his openness. He was a good person. You couldn’t remember when you last met such a genuine good person like him.

„There you go.“ He handed you a hot cup of coffee.

„Thank you.“

He was looking down at you like he was about to say something. When he finally did you were sure it wasn’t what he initially wanted to say. „You know what I’m wondering about?“

„What?“ You took a sip and nodded your head to indicate the direction you wanted to head in to.

„Are you doodling in every of your classes instead of taking notes?“

„To be honest: yes.“

„Good. I was kinda worried my class was the only boring one to you. Seems like all of them are then.“ Eric was laughing. But you couldn’t leave it at that.

„It’s my fourth semester and most of the material is common to me. You have to remember I grew up with a zoologist and becoming the same, so there’s a lot of back-knowledge.“

He nodded.

„And by the way: Your class is not boring. It’s cool.“

„Cool you say? No one said that before.“

„Maybe they’re too afraid to say it. You kinda rock that undercover FBI agent with your jacket and the tie.“

His laughter was a beautiful sound. It was ready to be recorded and played for eternity. Exactly like his voice itself. Eric started telling stories about his own college time and how he became a professor at such a young age. It almost felt like you randomly met in a pub or something. It felt natural. It felt good. It made you forget all your sorrows for these few hours. Usually you weren’t able to actually disconnect from your worries about your father while you were gone for the day and a nurse was taking care of him. But Eric somehow was able to do that and let you be in the moment – relax and regain energy for when you got back home.

/////

For the next weeks you met up after your class on Tuesdays for lunch. And then you were getting him in the evening after his last lecture, to observe the cop cars near the zoo. You had figured on your second try to bail out Harold, that it would be a good plan to study the cops first before committing to a bigger crime than stealing some keys.

When the night, where you wanted to do it, finally came, Eric and you didn’t only meet on Tuesdays anymore. It spread to like every other day you had some free time. And both of you hadn’t been able to prevent it.

Wearing your uniforms, _Ms. Giraffe and Mr. FBI_ were ready to go in. „Let’s pull it off.“ You were leading the ‚team‘, making your way over the wall first. You had exactly 17 minutes to find Harold, get him out and drive off before the next cop car would come by.

In the past weeks you had told Eric almost everything. About Harold, about your twin brother, about your dad. How you didn’t have a mother because she had left, believing she couldn’t cope with twins because she was still too young for that. How hard it was to take care of your dad. Not the amount of work he had passed to you and Rafael, you were somehow always able to get around with it. There were still dad’s staff helping with the animal rescue center. The hard part was not knowing if he’d ever be able to be more than a shell in a bed, staring at the ceiling. The hard part was trying to break through to him, reading to him or playing music he loves or cooking his favorite food and eating at his bed so he can smell it.

You and Eric had gotten so close that you could only hardly remember how it was before you knew him.

„Hurry.“ 

Eric was checking again before he climbed the wall and then came down to your side.

It wasn’t that far to the chimpanzee enclosure from the section you had been climbing over the wall. You were running, side by side. The adrenaline was rushing through your veins. You would never do shit like that if it wasn’t really important.

With the keys you opened the door to the back of the enclosure. Eric was carrying a flashlight behind you. „13 minutes left.“

„Okay.“ Quickly you made your way further into the building, opened a dozen of doors after you finally found the right one.

It was smelling of chimpanzee. More of their excrements.

The flashlight behind you lighted up a wall with cages. Only one was occupied. _Harold._

For a moment your heart stopped beating. After so many months you were finally in one room with him again.

He had been holding onto the bars, must’ve woken up form the sounds you had made. Eric walked around you to give some light to your face. When Harold saw your face, he cried out in joy, jumping up and down in his small cage and tried to reach through the bars to you.

You got down to your knees and took his hands, trembling under all the emotions. „Give me the wire cutter, Eric.“ 

Instead of handing it to you, Eric cut open the lock himself and stuffed it in his pockets. Harold did the rest. He pushed open the gate and stormed into you, wrapping his arms around your neck and the legs around your torso.

Eric had never seen something like that before. Sure, you had told him a lot about Harold. How he behaved and reacted to you and your family. To see it with his own eyes was something else though. There was _so_ much love.

He tried to give you and Harold a few moments of reunion before he had to tell you to go. „Only six minutes left.“ 

You nodded. „Come on, Harold. We’re going home.“ 

Together, you caring Harold, who wasn’t that much of a light weight anymore, and Eric grabbing your free hand, you were leaving the zoo, running into freedom after you had climbed back down the wall. 

Rafael had lent you his car tonight, Eric drove it, since you still didn’t have your license. You quickly tucked Harold into the baby car seat in the back. With a heavy breath, you let yourself fall into the passenger seat.

Taking a look to the left you saw Eric staring at you, with a wicked face. There was adrenaline in his glance but something else too. Right now you didn’t care. You just had to get the adrenaline out of your body soon because your heart was beating almost out of your chest. Your body’s answer was to give out some hysteric laughter which Eric joined in. What you had done was crazy, totally illegal but for you morally absolutely correct. Families shouldn’t be apart.

/////

With Harold in the backseat still freaking out about your reunion, it was a joy driving home. Your heart was so full of joy it felt like the best night of your life.

As soon as you got home though, you felt the weight on your shoulders again. You hoped after all your failed tries, Harold could trigger something within your dad’s current situation.

He didn’t want to let go when Eric had parked the car and you unbuckled Harold out of his seat. He wrapped his arms around your neck as always while you carried him inside to your father’s room. Before his stroke he had his room upstairs like you and your brother, but with his hospital bed and the stairs it just wasn’t able to keep him upstairs.

When Harold had checked the room and recognised your dad he immediately jumped on the bed and wrapped his arms around your father as good as he could. He offered a loud hello to your dad. When there came no reaction at all your heart broke. You had hoped so bad but to be honest: there hadn’t been a realistic chance your father would react after all the other things you had tried in the past.

Harold turned around, seemed very confused as to why dad wouldn’t greet him. He touched his face a few times, lifted up his arm and tried to get a reaction. When he realised there was nothing coming, he climbed back to you, searching for safety.

Through all this Eric had stood behind you. He had never been to your place before, except this evening where he parked his bike and you switched to your brother’s car.

You had shown him some pictures of your dad from earlier times – Eric couldn’t recognise the man from the photos in the man laying in this bed. The adrenaline had fully subsided by now and his heart grew heavy. He could only imagine how you must feel.

He followed you, when you carried out Harold. You were heading over to the rescue center, into a room that had a ‚cat paradise‘ label on the door.

„Remember that?“ You were whispering to Harold, who had gotten extremely quiet by now. Sitting him down in a small bed between all those cats, it must’ve been his place he used to sleep in before he got taken away.

Some of the cats were sneaking over, laying with Harold in his bed. The cuteness level wasn’t measurable anymore. Harold greeted all his friends and petted them. You seemed relieved with the view of him home. Eric waited with you until Harold had fallen asleep, watching from the door.

He was afraid, now he was done helping you with your mission to get back Harold, he had to be actually _just_ your professor.

It took a while until Harold actually was asleep. You were smiling when you turned around to Eric, though. 

His phone was showing way past midnight when you arrived at his bike outside. He didn’t want to go. After spending so much time together, he couldn’t deny the feelings for you anymore. He didn’t want this to end when it hadn’t really started yet.

„Did you see the tiny cage they had kept him in?“ You brought him back into the moment.

„Yes.“

„I can’t believe they think he was better off in the zoo than with us.“

Eric had always tried to avoid physical contact the best he could. But if it was the end now, if he would be only your professor from now on, he could steal one single hug, right?

He wrapped his arms around you, totally catching you off guard. That was the best thing about it. You weren’t one to be surprised easily. You were always so nonchalant and in control of your surroundings. He finally had been able to break through that. And when you surrendered to the situation, you pressed your body into his, wrapping your arms as tightly around him as he did.

„I will never be able to put into words how thankful I am for your help, Eric.“ Your whisper in his ear sent shivers down his spine. He wanted to not let go of off you but you pulled away.

Eric admired your face, as always. Even though it was dark, he could still see right into your eyes, reflecting the street lights. „There’s still something I have to tell you.“ The expression in your face changed. „I’m going to take biology with another professor next semester.“

„Why?“

A smile grew on your lips. Not a sassy grin, or a mischievous-pulling-up-only-a-corner-of-your-mouth – a truly, joyful smile. „You know why.“ That’s when you leaned in and kissed him. 

Your lips were a firework on his mouth, a hymn in his heart. They were, instead of your personality, soft like cotton candy. Eric loved cotton candy. Eric was mad crazy about the cotton candy in front of him right now. He took the lead, held you close with his hands in your neck so you couldn’t slip into the dark. Had he ever had a kiss like that? So simple yet so powerful? He doubted it.

„I’ll gladly let you leave my class, Y/N.“


	3. being honest

**////////// 2 days ago //////////**

Eric should’ve told you a long time ago. He never found the right moment. Now he knew there was never a right moment for breaking such news. And the worst thing about the whole situation was that it wasn’t even him who had told you. Carlo had took that chance away from him. But to be fair: If Carlo hadn’t told you, Eric wasn’t sure if he had had the guts to tell you at all.

He wasn’t sure what to do. He only knew you knew because Carlo had texted him to be prepared because he would drive you to Eric’s place.

Checking his phone every thirty seconds, he tried to pin down when you must arrive at his building. He was too out of his mind to be able to tell the right amount of time, though.

Loud banging on his apartment door made clear you were there.

„Tell me it’s not true!“ You were storming in after he had opened the door. Your face was red, your eyes swollen but you damned your hardest to shut the tears out. „Tell me you didn’t report me because I freed Harold from the zoo! Tell me it wasn’t _you_ why they took him away again!“

Eric couldn’t answer. He couldn’t say to your face that it indeed had been him. His silence was answer enough, though.

You hurried up to him, grabbed Eric by his collar and shook him. „What the fuck did you do!“ In the past you had shouted at him for various reasons in various volumes and ways. This time though, with your face right in front of him, the pain in your scream nearly knocked him out. „What the hell did you do?“

Eric couldn’t respond. Your pain was locking up his throat. When the tears in your eyes slowly started to roll down your cheeks he couldn’t look at you anymore and turned away.

„I’m so sorry, Y/N. All I saw was you suffering with the situation and I wanted you to feel better. You’ve been caring for your father, for Harold, been managing the rescue centre and studying at the same time. You worked yourself to exhaustion. I just wanted to take some weight off your shoulders.“

„You… what?“ You didn’t let him look the other way. You wanted him to see you. „You seriously thought it would help me if I didn’t have to care for Harold anymore? You know nothing!“

„That’s not true! I’ve been there! I’ve been with you for two years and the one thing I learned in life is that everyone has it’s boundaries. I couldn’t look at you anymore, working yourself out and breaking under the responsibility.“

„You didn’t have the right to do that! It’s not your decision, Eric. It’s mine. _I_ decide how much I am willing to sacrifice until I surrender.“

Eric knew that now. He had made a mistake. _The_ mistake. The one he would lose you for. „I love you-“

„Don’t you dare say that!“ You wiped away your tears harshly. „If you loved me you wouldn’t have done that.“ You tried so hard to keep all the emotions that were coming up under control. It was even harder to accept it had been Eric who was responsible for Harold being taken away again. And the hardest was that you knew what you had to do next.

Two years ago you had fallen so easily for Eric. Till this day you had never really stopped. You weren’t sure if you were ever able to stop after this day. You just knew that this was something you were never able to forgive. He had betrayed you the worst way possible.

Even now, feeling such a wrath towards him, you still wanted to kiss him. You wanted to love him and fall asleep on him, waking up and finding out it was just a bad dream and everything was fine. But that wouldn’t happen.

„Look at me.“ He didn’t. „I said look!“ Again, you were not allowing him to turn away and avoid the sight of the pain he had caused. „We’re done, Eric. We are done.“

„Y/N, don’t! I’ll do anything to-“

You couldn’t hear him begging. Because if you listened your broken heart might would’ve given in somehow. On your way to the apartment door, walking away from the man you had thought you’d spent your life together with, you gathered the strength to say your last words to him. „You leave me alone. You don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t come around. When you see me on campus you don’t come up and talk to me. It’s gonna be like we’ve never known each other. Only then I may be able to forgive you some day. But I doubt that will happen.“

When you shut the door, the tears came back and this time you didn’t fight them.

**////////// 1 year ago //////////**

The night had been absolutely fine. Eric was drunk. You were drunk. The two of you had broken the law a little again. But the night had been good. Until you got back to Eric’s place.

Almost all your nights out ended in a fight. It was always you wanting to go home, even in a heavily drunken state, and Eric didn’t want you to. You wanted to check on your dad, even though he was always sleeping, and Eric always tried to convince you to stay because there was a nurse in the house when your dad was sleeping and you and your brother gone.

The fights were always intense, and loud, because Eric went extremely soft when drunk and you lost every restraints.

Fighting about the same old things was like riding a bicycle. You two were so good in it, it was almost like you fought after a script some director had handed to you.

„For fuck’s sake lemme go home, Eric.“

Eric had grabbed you with an arm around your torso and kept you away from the door. „If you go home like that the only thing you’ll do is throw up in front of your dad’s bed instead of my toilet.“

„I can throw up wherever I fucking want!“ To prevent you from storming out of the apartment and get run over by the next car, Eric’s hands where all over your body, trying to hold you back. „Don’t touch my boobs. I’m mad with you.“

His hands weren’t even placed on your body with purpose, just randomly. He soon started kissing your neck while you were still winding in his arms, though. „Just stay, my love.“ There he was, the softie. „Lay down with me, enjoy yourself and don’t worry. Your dad is being taken care of.“

And you, losing every restraints, also meant your mood could shift so easily from one extreme to the other when you were drunk. You didn’t care about holding back tears or emotions anymore. „But he needs me.“ Crying your eyes out, drunk, and in Eric’s arms was a common end to your fights.

„Y/N, you need to allow yourself some time off.“

„I had time off! Like six hours tonight. I should be with him.“

„To sleep in the chair next to his bed and wake up with an aching back?“

You stopped winding in his arms and turned around to face Eric. If you had been sober you wouldn’t cry in front of him. But you weren’t sober.

He brushed the tears away with his thumb and still held you close with his other hand in your lower back.

„He needs me.“ To distract yourself from the burning tears, your fingers were all over Eric’s face. You had a thing for touching his beautiful face, letting your finger move to the beauty mark above his eyebrow, down his nose, over his lips and repeating it over and over again. It calmed you. You had never found out why but those touches had been one of the many anchors Eric provided for you. „I need him, Eric. I need him to wake up.“

„I know.“ He pressed his lips, you just had been caressing with your fingertips, against your forehead. The booze in your veins shifted your mood again. You dragged his lips away from your forehead to your own lips, demanding his proximity. Getting lost in him was the only time where you were sure to survive whatever would happen in the future. 

„Y/N.“ Eric had a hard time taking a break from kissing. „Move in with me.“

It wasn’t the first time he asked you. You knew his reasons why he still asked you and Eric knew why you still declined. He didn’t think you’d change your mind out of a sudden but he still kept asking. And he would continue until one day you’d say yes.

„Only for tonight.“ With a change of mood again and a smile forming on your lips, you dragged him to the bed. As long as your dad’s condition was the way it was you would never move in with him. At some nights, though, when Eric had convinced you to stay, you liked to imagine you didn’t have to leave the next morning. Some nights, you just really wished you could live with him and have an ordinary life like any other woman your age.

**////////// current day //////////**

Completely devastated Eric left your front yard and drove home. Even though, you didn’t move in with him, still everything in his apartment reminded him of you.

He had slept with the mattress on the floor for a long time. Until you had stayed the first night over. You had demanded to build up the bed after you woke up the next morning because your back was aching.

He stared down to that bed and only saw you laying in there. Just covered by the sheets, hair all over the pillow. In a rush he grabbed the mattress and pulled it off to the ground. He kicked down to the slatted frame, broke the single slats. When he still didn’t get any satisfaction from it, he turned to the books in his shelf. One after another flew across the room. In the end he found himself in front of the mirror, looking at himself. What had driven him? He had let them take Harold away from you after they finally had stopped searching and the police closed the case. He thought he would do you a favor but all he did was inflict more pain on you. What a man was he?

A man that clearly didn’t deserve you. Never had and never will.

Shards were bursting from the force of his fist hitting the mirror. The blood dripping from his knuckles finally satisfied his self hatred and made him sink to the floor. Eric was done. He had destroyed the best part of his life, that was you, and with that, he finally let the tears come in. And he couldn’t stop anymore once he had started.


	4. the trial

**////////// 2 years ago //////////**

The lecture had started ten minutes ago and you still weren’t there. By now he knew you weren’t one for arriving in time. Like never. But when twenty minutes passed and then thirty, Eric grew kinda nervous. He was constantly checking his watch, always touching the screen of his phone that was on the table, to see if you had texted. Only the picture of you, looking over his shoulders and wrapping your arms around him, looked back at Eric.

When forty minutes had elapsed he texted you. He as the professor could use the phone in his lecture, still he hid it behind his bag.

Shortly after fifty minutes when he had almost ended the class early to go and search for you, you sneaked in from the back. You didn’t look at him, not a single glance or a smile on your lips.

Eric tried to hurry through the remaining ten minutes. It was a horrible trial of patience. When the clock finally stroke 12 he finally dismissed his students into lunch break.

„What happened?“

You felt bad when he hurried over to you after everyone had left. He seemed worried. „I’m sorry, I should’ve texted.“ Getting up from your spot and checking again that everyone had left, you tiptoed to be on eye level with him. „I was just not in the mood for class.“

As your professor it kinda bugged him. As your boyfriend he wasn’t mad at all. Especially because your face was so damn close that one tiny move would close the gap between your lips.

„But as a peace offer I brought lunch.“ Your grin spread over your whole face before you finally kissed him.

„Peace offer accepted.“

You grabbed your stuff and walked over to his desk. Eric locked up the auditorium so no one would walk in on him having lunch with you.

You’ve been sitting on his desk, not for the first time, looking down at him and Eric couldn’t believe he had let come it this far. With one of his students. That you actually had a relationship. That you had to keep it a secret was obviously. The only reason why he had ever let it happen was because you’d change professors. Only a few more weeks until the semester was finished, though. Then Eric and you were just an ordinary couple.

„Mr. FBI, you have some ketchup on the end of your sleeve.“

Eric looked at you then at his sleeve. It was one of his few white shirts with the grey jacket, and the only tie he owned, Eric wore today. „Oops.“ And he wasn’t Eric if he hadn’t just licked it up, so he did.

„You know, Ms. Giraffe, you have some ketchup on yourself too.“

„Is that so? Where?“ You knew you didn’t have any on you but this situation was way too tempting to not go along with it.

„Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.“ 

**////////// current day //////////**

Eric saw you sitting on his desk in the auditorium. He wished he could go back to those days. Even though you hadn’t been able to be open with your relationship yet, everything had been way easier than this bullshit.

He wasn’t supposed to sit this way back in the court room. So far away from you that he could hardly see if you were alright or totally shattered.

He shouldn’t sit here at all. _You_ shouldn’t sit here. Why had he told them? Why did he fuck up everything that had been, and still was, precious to him? What did he think he was doing?

It had been months since that night he stood in your front yard, talking to you on the phone. It had been the last time he had talked to you. It had been hard to wake up every morning ever since. He was barely able to give decent lectures. His concentration was wearing extremely thin, always leading him back to you. Work was pretty much the only reason for leaving his apartment. Besides grocery shopping. He didn’t have the motivation or simply the will to do anything slightly exciting. If he did, it would tear him apart even more because he couldn’t do it with you.

The trial had just started. You were accused of breaking into the zoo and stealing a chimpanzee. Which was the truth.

Eric didn’t understand yet, why you didn’t tell them that he helped you freeing Harold. When he told them after they stopped searching, he didn’t exactly tell them what happened, just that Harold was at your place again. He didn’t expect any mercy from you, he was ready to face his part of the law-breaking as well. It never came to facing it though. Sitting in that court room now felt even more unbearable.

A long day of putting together a timeline of what happened in the zoo and after Harold got back to the rescue center started. They put in a break at noon before they would get people on the witness stand.

For four hours straight all you had done was stare at the wooden floor in front of the table you were sitting at. Rafael got to your desk when they announced the first break. His hand rubbed soothingly up and down your back. You heard him chatting with your lawyer Mr. Leo but didn’t get what he was saying. Even though all you did was stare to the floor, you heard every word they had said throughout the trail. They made it look like all you did was out of pure selfishness. They were wrong.

„Come on, let’s get some coffee.“ Your twin brother pulled you up from the chair you were glued on. He guided you down the hallway outside of the court room to a crappy old vending machine. „They are assholes, Y/N. Once Mr. L starts to beat their asses no one will doubt that the intentions of your actions were only sincere.“

You nodded your head without the confidence your brother had. Sipping on the coffee Rafael gave to you, you excused yourself to go and search the restrooms. On your way over there you saw Eric standing in the hallway. When your eyes met, you couldn’t walk on.

After that night he stood in your front yard, there had been no contact anymore. He respected your not so polite demand to leave you alone. Everything from then on turned into chaos. Interrogations through police, endless meetings with your lawyer to discuss the strategy for the trial, struggling to pay for the bills because of all the time you had to use on this bullshit that only happened because Eric thought he knew what’s best for you. 

You hadn’t attended a lecture since that night until Mr. L made clear you had to in order to show the court your life was stable enough to take care of all your responsibilities. Only then you had a chance to get Harold back at some point.

Eric stood there, wearing one of his white shirts, the infamous grey jacket and a tie. You hated this. It hurt. His presence still tried to pull you into his arms and press your body to his. To let you know you were safe. You weren’t anymore though.

Some nights you would lie in your bed, stare at the dark ceiling and wondered what he was doing in that moment. His betrayal unfortunately didn’t vanish your feelings for him. But for every weak moment came another one around with all the wrath that still felt so fresh. It made you crush the cup of coffee in your fist. Some last drops were pouring out of it over your hand. You tossed it into a bin on your way to the restrooms without paying Eric any more attention. You hated this. It hurt.

**/////**

As Rafael predicted, Mr. Leo was able to show everyone there was always a reason behind every action. In your case it had been family.

When that letter arrived and you had first met your assigned lawyer, together with your brother, Rafael said _NO_ right when you got out of the meeting. He had insisted on getting you a real lawyer, one with effort and ‚some fucking heart‘. The next day you had already met up with Mr. Leo.

Mr. L was exactly doing what you had discussed in so many meetings. _After_ you agreed to it because your brother had insisted again. 

He was pulling heartstrings. He laid down the situation of your family. He offered your feelings to everyone in this court room. You didn’t want anyone to know how it looked on your inside, especially not one certain person in this room, but Mr. L was sure to avoid a prison sentence with showing what made you do what you had done. And with specific questions for the rescue center employees that were close to you and able to draw a picture of your responsibility.

By the end of the day you were found guilty. Your sentence didn’t include prison though. You had to serve hours of community service. Harold would stay with the zoo until you graduated and had your degree that prove you were capable of caring for him and all the other animals. Then he could come back. _Like a degree was necessary to treat animals right._

**////////// Half a year ago //////////**

„Does this ring any bells?“ Eric was holding up a napkin. You hardly remembered the last two hours from being out last night. But you remembered the stupid napkin.

„Nope, I can’t hear any bells ringing.“ Trying to avoid him, you were dancing around his kitchen in one of his t-shirts. He was slowly coming up and forced you into the edge, took the cup of fresh coffee out of your hand and before you knew it, he threw you over his shoulder and didn’t let you down again. 

„Read it.“ He reached behind his back and held out the napkin to you.

While you were getting drunk in that pub last night, Eric had scribbled his most preferred question to you on this napkin. 

_do you want to move in with me?_

□ _YES_

□ _maybe_

□ _no (is not an option, you used that answer too much before)_

And in your drunken state, loosing the restraint to say no, you had crossed ‚Yes‘. In that moment you did want to move in with him. So bad.

„Eric.“

He didn’t let you down yet completely, but took you down from his shoulders and held you in front of him with his arms under your butt.

Cupping his face and drawing lines on his lips, you started to whisper. „I want to but I can’t yet.“ Caressing his face with light kisses, he slowly set you down again. You stopped your efforts after a while to look him in the eyes and make him see your next words were nothing but sincere. „One day, babe.“

**////////// current day //////////**

On the way down the steps in front of the court building, you thanked Mr. Leo for his work. He was kidding and advised you not to thank him before we received his final bill.

Still laughing you didn’t notice Rafael abruptly changing the direction. You only realised when you heard him yelling.

„Didn’t you cause enough chaos already?“ 

„I just want to talk to her for a second.“

„You are not coming close to her!“

You hurried over to them and dragged Rafael away from him. After you being to court you didn’t need him to punch Eric right in front of it and get arrested. „Raf, go wait at the car. I got this.“ As much as you didn’t want to talk to Eric, you didn’t want your brother to do something stupid more. He hesitated but left after you didn’t beg down.

Silence was engulfing you.

After all those monologues in front of the mirror, Eric didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. The sight of you, even if you looked worn out from the trial, made him feel… everything.

„I… I’m happy they didn’t send you to prison.“

„You got to be kidding me.“ This couldn’t be real. Why were you even standing here with him and listening to this bullshit! „Eric, what do you want?“ You still had to resist getting closer to him. Bitting your lip distracted you from his face, though. 

„I miss you.“

_Fuck._ „And?“

He was hardly able to endure your coldness. You had any right to give him a cold shoulder and to be honest, Eric didn’t expect anything else from you.

„Why did you not say anything? You could’ve told them I was with you, breaking into the zoo and getting Harold out.“ Somehow he wished you would’ve done it. It wouldn’t have lessened his guilt but he would’ve had to face _something_ for his mistake. Other than… losing you of course.

The face you wore almost killed him. All the pain he had caused rose in it. There was no way, he realised it in that exact moment, you could ever forgive him his betrayal. Eric had been foolishly hoping for the last couple months that maybe one day you could. You wouldn’t. It was the first time he saw you crying sober. It wasn’t even crying, water just flowed out of your eyes, but it was horrible to watch.

„I’m not like you.“ Still, after what he had done to you, there had been no way you would’ve done the same to him. You loved him too much. 

With that you took a deep breath, studied his face one last time, imagined how it felt under your touches, and left.


	5. Him

He did not die peacefully, closing his eyes and smoothly drowning out to a deep sleep he would never wake up from. In the past years you had settled with the fact that your father would never return. He would lay in this bed, being captured and carve out a miserable existence until the moment his lungs stopped breathing. You just wished he would go peacefully. You had hoped it so bad. But he didn’t. 

He died horribly, cramping from a stroke, unable to go in dignity. His body betrayed him and let him go within a lot of pain. It was the worst thing to watch.

He had been in the hospice for a few months before his time was up. You knew it would happen. You just never knew when or how. And you especially didn’t know you would be there and had to watch him go in _that_ way. But you would’ve never forgiven yourself if you hadn’t been there at all. By his side in his last moments.

The nurses had called your brother but he wasn’t able to make it in time. He had been working. Rafael was always working his ass off to be able to hold it all together, just like you. When he arrived in the hospice, rushing up the hallway to your dad’s room and spotting you outside of it, he instantly knew it. He didn’t walk the last steps up to you. His hands slapped on his head and the realisation of your dad being gone for good forced him to his knees. His devastated crying drew you out of your shock where you had just observed everything within. It made the pain actually hit you.

Standing here now, at your father’s funeral, right beside Rafael and holding his hand, you regretted the moment over again. Instead of kneeling down to your brother and comforting him, or even crying with him, you had left. In that moment you hadn’t been able to find any power left in your body to take care of someone. Especially not of him because everything he felt, you felt too. And you couldn’t take twice the pain in that moment. He had needed you, or someone, anyone, so bad, but you had just left.

Rafael’s hand squeezed yours and made you look up. His head nodded across the few people in front of you.

It was _him._

You instantly looked away again. How did he dare come here after everything he had done. Even though it’s been years, you were still hurt, still not healed from his action and that you broke up with him. You were still not over him and that’s what made it so hard because you should be after all the mess he had caused.

For the rest of the funeral your thoughts were all over the place. As if they hadn’t been already.

There was no wake after the funeral. Just returning to the daily routine since everyone, who had attended the funeral, worked at the rescue center.

Rafael drove back with the others. You went to your own car, after standing at the open grave for quite a bit. You sensed Eric’s eyes on you through it all. When you finally got to your car and sat behind the wheel, he appeared outside the door. For a moment you contemplated just driving off and leave him stand there. But you were too exhausted for that.

„You finally learned how to drive?“, were his first words after you rolled down the window. His first words after almost half a decade. And his voice still sounded the same like back then. So soothingly intimate. 

„At some point it was necessary.“

The way he was standing there, hands in the pockets and shoulders slightly bend forward, he reminded you of the Eric from the beginning – mysterious and way more attractive than it was good for his ego. He didn’t look carefree anymore, though. He lost that along the way being together with you. That was one of the things you still felt guilty for. But maybe he got it back and it was just because of today’s event. You wouldn’t know.

„I’m sorry for your loss, Y/N.“

You looked away, through your windshield, to cover up any emotions that were seething under your surface. „Thank you.“ The grip on your steering wheel got firmer. „Eric, why are you here after all those years?“

„Isn’t that obvious?“ He knelt down outside of your car to be on eye level with you. „Because of you.“ 

The words hit. Hard. Along the sadness in your bones, you were getting back all the feelings. The bad ones you had till the end as well as the good ones of the remaining two years. It was too much in that moment. You shut your eyes. „And out of all days it had to be today?“ Today was supposed to be a sad goodbye. No unexpected hello. 

Tears were burning but you didn’t want to let them out. It would make everything worse because you wouldn’t be able to stop them anymore. „Who even told you about today?“

Eric let out a sigh he must’ve held in forever. „You won’t like the answer.“ As he said that, you instantly knew. „Rafael thought it was time for you to clear things out. Settle with the past.“

Whenever your brother had brought up the Eric topic, you tried to change it. You hadn’t found a way to erase your feelings for Eric in the last years so you had tried to silence them. You knew Rafael only wanted the best for you, but getting in contact with Eric and ask him to come here, or whatever he did, was not fair. He knew you would surrender to the situation.

„Get in the car and lets go to the pub. Have a chat.“ 

**/////**

Thirty minutes in the pub, sitting at the bar, no words were spoken yet. It felt weird, being here with him again. Far back in the corner was the table you had made out more than once when both of you had had way too much to drink. You tried to avoid looking over there.

„You switched from beer to whiskey.“

„A lot has changed, Eric.“ It was a dumb idea to drive to the pub with him. You were on your fourth whiskey by now and felt your tongue slowly get looser. „Where have you been?“ On one hand you didn’t wanna hear about his life after you took yourself out of it. On the other one you were itching to know how he had evolved, how he was doing.

„Two hours east. It’s a rather small town but a good university. Made my doctor and all.“ So he was doing well. Was he?

„Do you have someone?“ The question was out faster than you could’ve held it back.

Eric was turning around to you but you kept staring ahead of you. „I did for some time. It didn’t work out.“

_You shouldn’t ask. Don’t ask._ „Why?“ _Oh holy shit. Perfect self-control._

„She was not you.“ And that came faster out of _his_ mouth than he could’ve held it back.

A familiar warmth was growing in your chest and you couldn’t pin down if it was the alcohol or him. When you finally turned to him, though, you had the answer. It was a confusing feeling. This day had started horrible, you had to burry your father, and now you were sitting here with Eric.

Being led by your sadness, trying to find any comfort – and you still remembered how comforting Eric’s presence was – you were leaning in to kiss him. He stopped you. „I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret later, Y/N.“ With his hand on your cheek, though, you wanted to do something you would regret later. The touch was igniting something you didn’t think you could feel for him again. „I didn’t come to reconnect. I know that I threw away what would have been the best life I could have ever dreamed of. But I’ve come to terms with it never being reality. I gave up on hoping.“

His words made your eyebrows furrow and your thoughts were running in circles, almost giving you a headache. But then something slowly sunk into your brain. „You know what… _I_ didn’t.“ Carefully you placed your hand over his on your cheek and gathered some strength to accept what had been necessary in so long. You closed your eyes because without seeing him it was easier. „I’m so tired of hating what you did. I want to finally move on from it.“

„Y/N.“ He placed his free hand on your other cheek. When you opened your eyes again, the wrath over his mistake slowly faded. It didn’t subside completely, that would’ve been impossible, but it’s been too long and it had brought you absolutely nowhere. 

„I want to learn how to forgive. And still after all those years… I want _you.“_


End file.
